Creating a Schedule that Works for Your Family (Part 2 of 2)

Recently we explored why kids crave consistency and routines. The benefits are seemingly endless but we focused on these five reasons:

  • Positive predictability makes kids feel safe and comfortable
  • Routines give kids a sense of purpose and control
  • Routines increase self-confidence
  • Consistency helps build a sense of respect
  • Schedules help develop self-discipline and build life-long habits

So now that we know a handful of great reasons why we should maintain a schedule or routine, how do you establish one that works for your family?  There are lots of different types of schedules for everything from morning routines to bedtime routines and everything in between.  How do you know what’s right for you?  

While it seems simple enough, a lot of planning and thinking goes into a successful schedule. And there is no “one size fits all” routine for kids.  For example, your child’s age and abilities will dictate a lot.  Can your kids read or will they need a pictorial?  How detailed should you be and should you include specific times, or just durations?  How will you get your kids cooperation?  It can be overwhelming when you set out, but relax, it’ll be ok!  We can work through this together!

Before we dive into the process, here are some general tips to keep in mind.

  • Keep it simple!  Don’t make it any harder than it has to be.  Even though it takes some thought,a good routine just needs to be a list of activities; anything more than that is extra.  
  • Make it easily enforcible!  You have to be able to easily enforce the routine. If you can’t, it’s not going to work, no matter how well-planned it is.  
  • Write it down!  Starting with a rough draft on a piece of paper allows me to revise and refine it, before I make a larger poster to display. Displaying it helps with accountability and any confusion that may arise.  The schedule will need to be posted somewhere that everyone can see it, at the user’s eye level (not at the parents’ eye level). Young non-readers may need a picture schedule.  You can find cheap supplies for posters and the like at your local $1 Store and use old magazines to cut out pictures that depict the specific step.  

From the beginning, you have to decide how loosely or tightly you will schedule the time.  Will you list specific times of the day, or will the schedule just be an order of events?  For example, during quarantine, my children wake up at different times, but they still need to eat, practice personal hygiene, do chores, perhaps school work, before they get to play.  But since the start times are different for each child, our morning ritual doesn’t list specific start and end times, but rather a duration for each task:  Eat breakfast – 15 minutes; Brush teeth – 5 minutes.

Keeping these tips in mind, here is the process I’ve used many times to set up consistent schedules for our family, as the kids have grown and their needs and abilities have changed.

  1. Determine what exactly you’re trying to schedule.  It sounds silly, but yes, determine exactly what you want to chart. Is it a morning routine for a toddler?  A bedtime routine for a tween, or how about a homework schedule for your high schooler?  The age(s) and abilities of your kids, as well as what activities you’re trying to establish will be integral to a successful routine.  For my family, I found it worked best when I started with a small block of time, such as a morning routine, rather than starting with a full day, especially for the younger kids.
  2. Using one of Covey’s Seven Habits, begin with the end in mind; determine what you consider to be success.  Is it a successful routine only if your child completes ALL his homework, or works on it undistracted for just 30 minutes?  If your child takes a shower, but doesn’t wash his hair, is it successful?  
  3. Once you understand what success looks like, list out each necessary step in your routine. If there’s an element to the process that is crucial to success, it has to be included in the routine.  Having said that, however, keep it simpleand be careful not to micro-manage the process.  Young kids, especially those with ADHD, are likely to get overwhelmed with too many steps and a lot of detail.  I’d recommend no more than maybe two or three steps at first.  For example, I couldn’t tell my youngest child to get himself dressed until he was six years old.  Getting himself dressed was too overwhelming, and he couldn’t even start the process.  For him, I had to break his morning routine down to several “subroutines”, of which getting dressed was just one.   So be patient if your child needs a little more guidance at the beginning.  As they get older or more used to a routine, you can try to add more steps.  This is one area, however, where you need to gauge your child’s individual needs and abilities to be able to give him or her enough detail without overly dictating activities. 
  4. After you know all the tasks in the routine, assign a specific time (ex: 10:45 am – 11:00 am) or a length of time (ex: 15 minutes) for each step.  For any schedule that needs to end by a certain time, such as leaving the house in the morning before work/school, or bedtime routines, you may find it helpful to work backward.  For example, if you need to get out of the house for work by 7:45 a.m., then start from there and work backwards with activities to determine what time your kids should get up.  For bedtime, I want my kids in bed by 9:00 p.m., so working backward and allowing time for snacks, getting pajamas on, brushing teeth, my children’s bedtime routine starts at 8:30 p.m.
  5. Once it’s created, be sure to explain it to your kids at an age-appropriate level, and post it for everyone to see.  Be sure to post it at their eye level, not yours.  Then plan to help them implement it.  This means you may have to teach them certain skills.  If the morning routine includes making a bed, but they don’t know how, you will have to take time to teach, then supervise, the task until they’re comfortable performing it on their own.  

Even after you have a schedule created and you’re implementing it, there are several steps to ensure it works, and tips to help make it stick.  

  • Don’t set them up for failure. As parents, we have to give them the tools necessary to compete the routine on a consistent basis.  Using the previous example of showering, this can be as simple as making sure they know where the linens are, and that you use shampoo on your hair, rather than bar soap.  Perhaps it’s making sure they have clean clothes laid out for them in the morning so they don’t have to make those choices in a hurry, or having a healthy breakfast ready that they can eat on the go. 
  • Success deserves reward. When your child successfully completes the routine, reward him or her immediately.  Rewards don’t have to be expensive (heck, even better if they’re free); in fact, the simpler the better.  You can reward them with a treat, an extra story, some snuggle time, letting them choose dinner, 5 minutes of extra screen time, etc.  We use a token economy in our household.  If they don’t successfully complete a routine every time, try not to punish, no matter how much you want to.  And believe me, I KNOW you want to (I’m in your shoes frequently!).  
  • Use the timer functionality on your phone to ensure the process keeps moving.  It also helps when you want to end an activity that isn’t on your routine, like gaming or hanging with friends, or looking in the toy aisle at your local store.  And because our kids tend to argue and fight a lot, we’ve established a system of odd/even days to determine which child goes first for some activities like brushing teeth or goodnight hugs/kisses.  (Yes my kids will physically fight over who gets a goodnight kiss first!)  
  • Allow older kids input on their schedules. This will help them recognize that they have some control and they may be more likely to adhere to it.
  • Be prepared to make revisions as you and your family implement the schedule.  For example if you find it takes your child 40 minutes to complete homework, instead of 30 minutes, it’s ok to adjust the schedule.  If it only takes your child 10 minutes to unload the dishwasher instead of 15, decide whether or not it’s worth having five extra minutes built into the schedule or if that time should be adjusted.  
  • Once your schedule is established, be consistent!  Screen time at our house ends at 8:30 p.m., no exceptions. Friday nights, screen time ends at 8:30; long holiday weekend, still 8:30; summer vacation, still 8:30.  If you make exceptions to the routine, they’ll often take advantage and you will have done a lot of work for nothing.

There you have it, folks:  the strategies, tips, and tricks I use whenever we need to outline a schedule or routine or process in our family.  Remember that, in order to create a schedule that works for your family, you have to put some thought into it, but then keep it simple. Give your kids the tools they need for success.  Let them provide input, expect revisions, and be consistent.  Be sure to enforce it.  Reward success immediately, and when failure happens, be patient and offer encouragement for next time.  For more information about rewards, check out Our Token Economy.

If you like our article, be sure to share and follow us on Facebook.  Our website is www.ourhyperactivelife.wordpress.com.  Feel free to comment below, or email me at Parents@OurHyperactiveLife.com.

Related Topics:  Reaping the Benefits of Routine, Part 1Token Economies

Reap the Benefits of Routine

We’ve all heard the experts tell us that kids need consistency and routines, and under present circumstances of distance learning, less in-person socialization, and no time-bound requirements for school, our kids’ routines have all but been obliterated.  It’s difficult to cope as an adult, but imagine being a 6-year-old wondering why you can’t see your friends everyday.  Or imagine being an 8-year-old soccer player who suddenly is told soccer season is over.  Or a 13-year-old whose long-anticipated Band trip has been canceled.  The coping mechanisms just aren’t there in their growing little brains yet.

Have you ever actually wondered what it is about a routine that kids crave? Do you know what “craving consistency” looks or feels like in daily behavior?  Well, in this two-part article, we’ll explore that, and discuss what kinds of routine are appropriate, and how to create a routine that works well for your family.

Let’s start with why kids, especially hyperactive kids, crave routine. What is it about a routine that kids like?  What benefits do kids get by having a routine?  While the benefits are numerous, here are five important ways that schedules help kids.

1.   Positive predictability makes kids feel safe and comfortable

When hyperactive kids (actually, any kids, and adults too) know what to expect, they can relax and be themselves.  They’re not worried about what’s coming next because they already know. Think about the last time you started a new job.  That first day, you may have worried about things such as how long it would take to get there during morning rush, where to park when you arrive, how lunch will work, if your new workspace would be comfortable, and what your new coworkers would be like.  You likely felt a little anxious because you weren’t familiar with the situation. Kids may feel the same anxiety, even if they don’t know how to express it, when they don’t know how their day will go. That is to say, when they’re not held to a schedule, kids can feel nervous too.   Having a clear path for the day lets a child be at ease and enjoy the activities at hand. It’s also why giving kids a warning prior to transitions can be helpful; they know what to expect.  

A routine also helps kids know what they should be doing, and when.  When I tell my 13-year-old to stop playing video games and unload the dishwasher right now, he is caught off-guard and gets angry. BUT, if I have the schedule posted on our bulletin board that chores are started at 10:00 a.m., he’ll be mentally prepared for that, and is less likely to incite a riot.  Bedtime routines are another perfect example, and we’ll talk about creating those in Part 2 of this series.

2.   A Sense of Purpose and Control

Any parent of a toddler knows they need to feel that they are an important part of their world and that they have at least a little bit of say in things.  “ME do it!”  My 8-year-old is the perfect example.  He always wanted to get dressed by himself to show us that he could, so from a young age, his morning routine allowed for him to choose his clothes and get himself dressed, then surprising me afterward with the show of his efforts. I discovered through that process that he has a love of crazy socks, regardless of whether they match anything he’s wearing or not.  I am not the kind of mom who frets over whether my child’s clothes match, if you are, that’s fine but as the Chaos Coordinator in my family, Lordy, I have enough things to worry about besides that.  I don’t mind him wearing the tall purple and black cat Halloween socks with a green shirt in the middle of summer, so by giving him the opportunity to choose what he wants, he feels that he has some control.

3.   Routines Increase Self-Confidence

What’s the best way to become great at anything you do?  Practice, practice, practice!  What is a routine?  It’s practice.  If your child makes his bed every day, eventually he will become great at making his bed.  Being great at something boosts self-confidence.  And kids can be great at a lot of things in their routine, like brushing teeth, getting dressed, getting shoes on, folding clothes, unloading the dishwasher, making dinner, etc.  Make sure the tasks are age-appropriate so the child can be successful.

4.   R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I hate to be interrupted when I’m working.  As I type this, my husband has asked me to approve his work on our new air conditioning system that he’s installing (I should note that I am NOT an HVAC technician!), my 6-year-old has asked for hugs and to sit on my lap, and I’ve been asked what’s for dinner more than once.  I really want to be left alone so I can finish!

Well, I hate to break it to you, but kids want to be respected as much as adults do, and schedules can show kids that they too are important.  For example, if I want to hear a bunch of under-his-breath complaining and some foot stomping, all I have to do is tell my 13-year-old to stop what he’s doing right now, and come do some boring chore.  I find that if I remind him at breakfast to unload the dishwasher before he starts playing, he usually does it without arguing. By having a specific time set aside for chores, he’s much more willing to help out, and he’s easier to get along with, because he feels respected.

5.   Schedules help develop self-discipline and build life-long habits

If you start a routine as early as possible, say making your bed as soon as you get up each morning, it’s more likely to just become a part of “you” and it’s easy to continue.  We’ve tried to teach our kids to take their shoes off as soon as they get inside the house. 

This benefit of a schedule doesn’t apply only to specific items like making your bed daily. It can be more generic like “work before play”.  You can help engrain this into your child’s point of view by choosing to make chores a part of your family’s morning routine.

There are SO many more wonderful benefits to keeping your kids on a schedule this summer, at least as much as possible.  Schedules and routines make life easier and more predictable for them, and in turn, for you.  Come back next week for Part 2: Creating A Routine that Works.  In the meantime, feel free to comment below, or email me at Parents@OurHyperactiveLife.com.

Featured

Lemonade

Today is a “Lemonade Day”. What’s a “Lemonade Day”, you ask? When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade, so today, that’s my plan. You see, I haven’t posted for a very long time. You see, the name of this blog, Our Hyperactive Live, is so accurate, this full-time working, three- rowdy-kids-raising, garden-growing, farmlette-living, hobby-loving, husband-loving woman rarely has the energy to sit down and write.

As Covid-19 has infiltrated even the most stable of lives, like so many others globally, I find that 40 of my weekly hours have been freed up, or should I say re-appropriated to different activities. Suddenly, I’m home with no deadlines, no meetings, no required tasks, but with a houseful of duties. Most of my coworkers are 13 years old and younger, or are furry and like to lick me. I’m sure there are some rules against all this.

My revised job description includes teaching three different grade levels, coordinating the chaos of three daily potlucks (where I’m the only one bringing anything, making sure each coworker practices good personal hygiene, and jiminy crickets the cleaning crew in this workspace needs to be retrained!

When I asked my Facebook friends the other day for some parenting advice, I was told by more than one person that THEY looked to ME for advice, because our lives are crazy. They think if we can manage, so can they. So I decided to use my “extra 40 hours a week” to start documenting again.

For those of you who are new to Our Hyperactive Life, my husband and I are in love with our three diagnosed-hyper kids. Our lives are peppered with various diagnoses like giftedness, ADHD, ODD, OCD, depression, and we struggle each day with some aspect of parenthood. Usually by the end of the day, at least one of us is mentally exhausted.

So how are we all coping with our newly-minted roles of Director of Elementary Education, Master of Culinary Arts, Entertainer of the Year, President of Environmental Services, and at-home hug giver? Well, like every good parent, we each have our moments, but it could be much, much worse.

We knew our kids need a LOT, a lot of attention, direction, support, patience, compassion, etc., but as the traditional school year gave way to distance learning and now summer break arrives, we are reminded of just how much of these things our kids need. They’re initiating very deep philosophical discussions about life after death or how perhaps we’re all just part of a tv show or video game, or what if we were cloned by aliens who have long-since died. And frequently we enjoy really funny comments or talks or ideas and every day is different.

That’s why, in spite of all the titles I could have right now, I think I’ll just choose “Chaos Coordinator” for the foreseeable future. By all means, come back soon and read about our follies, leave some friendly comments (because frankly, who needs any more negative crap?), and tell your friends. Someone might just find something useful in the tips I share, or a giggle in the funny stories shared. No we aren’t experts, but we are experienced!

Next up: The importance of a schedule, and some examples of what we have used/are using.

Token Economies: How We Get our Kids to Behave

dollar bill

Our Family’s Experiences with “Token” Economies

We get up in the morning, and I REALLY need Dude to get himself dressed.  He may only be 4, but he’s perfectly capable of dressing himself.  Throughout the day, chores need to be done; pets need to be cared for.  My husband and I both work full time, and when we come home, we’re mentally exhausted.  We can’t manage all the household duties alone, so the kids must help.  Through the 11+ years we’ve been parents, we’ve tried many strategies to get our kids to help out, everything from using a sticker chart to punishing for what doesn’t get finished.

After trial and a lot of error, our therapist recommended a household “token economy”.  A token economy is one in which the kids earn tokens throughout the day for any desired behaviors, and then can exchange them for small items/privileges.   There are as many varieties of token economies as there are opinions about them, and all have their own pros and cons.  We’ve tried many over the years, so I’ll share as much as I can remember about them, and you can decide if one of these will work for your family.

Before I go into how each program specifically, I want to share a few things that we’ve learned about token economies in general.  These little nuggets can help set you up for success from the very beginning.

  • First and foremost, if the kids don’t buy into it, it ain’t gonna work! They need to feel like they’re part of the whole process.
  • Secondly, keep it simple! If it’s too confusing or requires a lot of ground rules, no one will stick to it, not even you!
  • When you introduce the program to your child, make sure you present it in a very positive light! Be sure to explain that it’s a way to reward them for his good behavior.
  • Each kid needs a piggy bank for whatever tokens you choose. Let them pick out their own, but make sure what they choose is suitable for the tokens you’re using.  If you can’t get the tokens out, it won’t work.  Or, if you make banks at home, let each child decorate his.
  • When using a token economy that allows kids to purchase different rewards, you’ll need to create two separate menus. If your child can’t yet read, then create picture menus, either with posters or in a notebook.  One menu outlines the items for which he will be rewarded and includes behaviors, tasks, or skills that you want him to work on.  The other menu defines the rewards for which he can use the tokens.  To feel included, kids should be allowed to add items to both menus, and you can decide together how much he earns/pays for each.  But beware.  Think hard about the values, because if you pay too many tokens, or don’t charge enough for the rewards, it could become very expensive, very quickly.  My four-year-old saved up almost 50 tokens in one week, just by behaving the way we expect him to, like getting himself dressed in the mornings and brushing his teeth.
  • If you reward a child in the moment (instant gratification), she is more likely to connect the reward to the behavior that earned it, and is more likely to repeat that behavior, so tokens should be “portable” so you can give them out at a restaurant, running errands, grocery shopping, etc.
  • On the other hand, systems that make her save up tokens to get something can introduce her to the concepts of saving real money in the future.

Version #1:  The Grab Bag

grab bag stuff

Grab Bags are so simple, making them ideal for young kids or when you’re working on only one goal.  When Buddy was ready to potty train, we decided to use a grab bag of goodies to entice him to use the potty.  After purchasing a bunch of little toys and a gift bag at our local $1 Store, Buddy could choose one of the goodies out of the bag if he used the toilet instead of wetting his pants.  It worked like a charm and he potty trained in less than a week.

Having said that, grab bags do have their pitfalls.  Buddy always took a long time to choose the item he wanted, or he’d pick one out and change his mind a few minutes after he got it.  My suggestion is to wrap each item in tissue/wrapping paper before putting them in the bag, so the kids truly don’t know what they’re getting, or what’s left in the bag.  This does make the program more time consuming and a little more expensive though.

 Pros: 

  1. Very simple, great for young kids
  2. Cheap, in the short term. Find packages with multiple items to make it even cheaper.
  3. Instant gratification

Cons:

  1. Not readily portable
  2. Expensive over the long haul
  3. Lots of crappy little toys floating all over the house

Version #2:  Sticker Charts

sticker chart.jpg

With Buddy and Snix, we created posters showing their morning, after-school, and bedtime routines.  They’d get a star every time they completed a task.  At the end of the day/week, if they had a certain number of stickers, they’d get a reward.  Daily rewards are smaller trinkets; weekly rewards were only slightly nicer.  The boys liked the system and could easily tell what needed to be done and when.

With three kids to monitor, this system just became too cumbersome, especially during chaotic mornings and at bed time.  It was hard to keep track of who had done what, who still needed to get stickers and who didn’t, and God forbid if one of the stickers ever slightly ripped!  After a month or two, we basically just gave up on this one.

 Pros: 

  1. Simple enough for young kids
  2. Saving the stickers for larger rewards introduces the kids to the general concepts of saving up for something

Cons:

  1. Works better with fewer kids
  2. Expensive over the long haul
  3. You think stickers would be portable, but when you are running errands and give your daughter one, where is she to put it? My boys always wanted to put the stickers on their shirts and then transfer them to their charts at home, but the stickers wouldn’t stick, or they got washed, etc.
  4. Must have daily and weekly rewards on hand
  5. Lots of crappy little toys floating all over the house

Version #3:  Five-Star Bookmark

5 star bookmark

The Five-Star Bookmark is by far the simplest of all the systems we’ve tried, and is especially suited to very young kids.  We have only used it for Dude, so I have no experience of using it for multiple kids, but we started this after it was suggested by his special ed teacher, who used it for several of her students at the same time.  It was a laminated bookmark with five numbered squares on the front.  On the back were five separate gold stars, roughly the size of the front squares.  They, too, were laminated and had a bit of rolled up tape on their backs.

Every time Dude displayed desired behavior, we’d move a star from the back of the bookmark to one of the numbered squares on front.  Once all five squares were filled with stars, he got some extra special time (we called them “time-ins”) with Mom or Dad, snuggling, reading, or playing with Legos.

The bookmark generally worked quite well, and lasted a month or two before he tired of it.

Pros: 

  1. Simplest version yet, perfect for preschoolers
  2. No purchase required, so it’s also the cheapest version
  3. Very portable
  4. Instant gratification, yet encourages saving too
  5. Can earn multiple “time-ins” throughout the day (could also be considered a “con”.)

Cons:

  1. When the 5th star is earned, the parent has to drop what they’re doing for the “time-in”. What if the child earns his 5th star while you’re driving or cooking dinner?
  2. Can be time intensive for the parent because child can earn multiple time-ins throughout the day
  3. Not necessarily suited to older kids

Version #4:  E-Tickets

pokered chips

I admit it, my kids are addicted to their electronics.  At times, they hate leaving the house because they don’t want to stop playing the Xbox.  If we go out for dinner, they don’t care WHERE we go, AS LONG AS the restaurant has wi-fi.  Electronics cause bedtime to be a fight, and that’s NOT how anyone wants to end the day.  So on the recommendation of a previous therapist, we instituted a token economy strictly as a way to earn electronics time.  I will also admit that this was my least favorite of all programs, but it still might work for other folks.

We used poker chips we found at a local thrift store, and the children could earn chips by behaving as we desired, such as doing their chores, completing homework, holding doors for strangers, etc.  Each chip was worth 5 minutes on the ipad/Xbox.  If you used it as a way to earn a variety of rewards, instead of just one type, it would probably work better.  In fact, if your child is older, each color chip could be worth a different value.

This sounds like a very simple program.  Actually, it’s very similar to what we use now; however, the more we used the program, the more we had to set a whole lot of ground rules.  The ground rules became cumbersome and they caused arguments anyway, so we ended up ditching the whole thing.  Our ground rules were:

  • No ipads at the dinner table
  • You can’t buy e-time after 8 pm (30 minutes before bedtime).
  • You can use ipads in the car for free, but you have to give them up or pay for more time as soon as we get home.
  • You don’t get ipad time on credit. If you don’t have chips, you don’t get electronics.

Here are some of the sticky situations we had to work through.  Note they are all related to the use of electronics, NOT the use of the tokens themselves:

  • At one point, I was working from home and had a conference call. I gave the boys an hour for free, so I could take the call in quiet.  After that, all I heard for a week was “You let me have it the other day for free.”
  • Whenever the boys were grounded from electronics, they temporarily were not interested in earning the chips, thus didn’t try to behave.
  • My kids do NOT self-police very well, and we were notorious for forgetting to take the ipads away when their time was up. We set timers on our phones, but with multiple kids earning varying amounts of time, that because a nuisance.  We bought kitchen timers, but the kids just broke them.
  • And finally, because their little brains are addicted to the stimulation, they’d still argue with us when their allotted time was up.

Pros: 

  1. Poker chips are cheap at your local thrift store
  2. Portable
  3. Works best for older kids who understand time
  4. Works best when there are multiple rewards that can be earned

Cons  

Most of the cons can be attributed to the reward itself (electronics time) rather than the program itself.  But the poker chip program is almost identical to version #5: Toy dollars.  So keep reading for more details.

Version #5:  Play Money

toy money

After trying the aforementioned programs with little success, I was skeptical (and still am, a bit) about yet another token economy when a new therapist recommended it.  But, Dad and I decided to go ahead and try this version just a few weeks ago, so we have no “what ifs” to wonder about.  This one has good and bad parts but it seems to work, FOR NOW.

Instead of using poker chips or some other arbitrary token, I purchased a couple packages of play money at our local $1 Store.  The bills are smaller black-and-white versions of actual money, so the kids seem very interested.  One side note: After thinking about it for all of 30 seconds, I discarded the coins because that’s too much hassle.  We work in whole dollars only!

For their banks, I then gave each boy a tin can that I pulled out of our recycle bin, and supplies to decorate them however they wanted.  As they were decorating, we discussed ways to earn money.  I made sure to include the tasks/behaviors they wanted rewarded for, as well as the ones I needed them to improve on.  We developed a menu of about 15 behaviors and how much each behavior was worth.  The more difficult or time-intensive the task, the more money it’s worth.  Remember to be generous, but not TOO generous that you can’t afford it!

We did the same thing for the rewards menu.  That list has only a handful of items like a trip to the park, or a fancy cupcake, but honestly the kids usually want to use their money to buy a toy.

Here’s where the problem comes in, so you’ll want to be careful.  It’s so easy for them to earn money throughout the day that we’d go broke if each fake dollar was worth one real dollar.  So we created a two-to-one exchange rate. In other words, if something costs $10 in real life, they have to save up $20 fake dollars to pay for it.

Along the way, a few questions came up.

  1. Are there tasks they DON’T get paid for? Heck yeah!  Some things are just expected of them. Buddy does NOT earn money for getting himself dressed because he’s 11 years old, so that’s just expected.
  2. Can each kid have a different “menu”? Yes, but be sure to keep the menus simple.  Our menus are based on age and ability.  Dude is 4 years old, and he earns $1 if he dresses himself in the morning.  Snix and Buddy don’t.  Buddy is the only kiddo responsible enough to take the trash to the curb, and he earns $1 for that.
  3. Can we take money away if they misbehave? According to the therapist, yes.  And I will tell you taking away their money is currently the most effective way yet to get them to behave!
  4. Be careful what you ask for! Funnily enough, this program can work a little too well.  My kids started doing things VOLUNTARILY around the house to earn more money.  Last night, Buddy wanted a new gaming headset at Target.  He already had saved some money, so to earn the rest, he cleaned two toilets, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, folded and put away laundry, took some icky left-overs out to the compost pile, picked up his brothers’ toys and made their beds for them, and folded some blankets on the couch.  That sounds absolutely lovely; however, I ended up making an unexpected trip to Target right before bedtime in return.  We now have a new ground rule that forbids special trips just so buy rewards.  (Also set ground rules like “No buying candy right before bed”.)

 Pros: 

  1. Simple enough that our four-year-old understands the basic concept
  2. Fake money is very portable
  3. Improve counting and sorting skills
  4. A nice blend of instant gratification and saving skills

Cons:

  1. Can be expensive if you don’t design the menus properly
  2. My kids now want to be paid for the smallest spur-of-the-moment task we ask them to do
  3. Preschoolers may have trouble equating the value of money to the value of toys, and with the different denominations. Dude got upset because he was saving his money, but wanted to buy something little at the store, so he just brought one dollar.  It was difficult for him to understand why he couldn’t get a large Lego set for that $1.

So now that you’ve read the pros and cons of the various token economies, do you think any will work for your family?  What other varieties have you used with your family?

Differences in the ADHD Brain

wooden spoons

Parents of ADHD/ODD kids know the look I’m talking about.  It’s that look from strangers in public that says “You really need to make your kids mind!” We get that look a lot.  I also once had a “friend” on Facebook tell me I needed to use a thick belt with a large buckle on it, and that’d cure anything.

So I started doing some research to find out why spankings don’t cure ADHD/ODD and here’s what I found.  I’m going to simplify it so that if that Facebook friend of mine ever stumbles upon this, he can understand it.

  1. Researchers in Norway used computerized images like MRIs and PET scans to study thousands of brains of people with ADHD, and compare those to brain images of people without ADHD. Those researchers have found that the images of the ADHD brains have certain structures that are significantly smaller than normal.  Those specific structures happen to be responsible for controlling impulsivity and regulating emotions, two hallmark symptoms of ADHD.  You can read more about the study at com, but I’ll warn you, it’s a very technical article.
  2. Verywellmind explains that some types of computerized imaging can also show which parts of the brain are operating during certain functions. These images of ADHD brains show that there is less blood flowing to certain structures, in particular, to areas of the brain responsible for things like planning, organizing, paying attention, remembering, and emotional reactions.
  3. Our brains exchange messages our body parts all day long. All of your senses rely on this exchange of messages.  Is that tag on the back of your shirt bothering you?  If so, it’s because your neck is sending your brain a message.  Is that ice cube really cold?  Your fingers are telling your brain that it’s cold, and your brain is processing that information.  Those messages are sent along our nerves.  The nerves are much like the power lines we have outside our homes all across the nation.  If any of those power lines gets severed, the electricity stops flowing.  Those power lines have junctions that need to be interconnected.  If those junctions aren’t secure, the electricity stops forming.

In our nerves, those junctions are called “synapses”, and instead of using all kinds of mechanical connectors, our nerves use chemicals (called neurotransmitters) within those synapses to keep the messages flowing to and from the brain.  One of the key chemicals (neurotransmitters) is dopamine, and in the ADHD brain, the dopamine isn’t regulated correctly.  There are three reasons for this: either there isn’t enough dopamine there, or the other side of the synapse (junction) doesn’t have enough receptors to accept the dopamine, or the dopamine is there but isn’t used properly.  In any case, the brain doesn’t have enough dopamine to function normally.

And for those of you who aren’t convinced that a lack of dopamine can cause problems, let me refer you to the Parkinson’s Foundation website, regarding Parkinson’s disease.  This too is a disease in which the nerves can no longer produce enough dopamine, causing tremors, limb stiffness, balance problems, and even non-movement symptoms like depression, sleep disorders, loss of sense of smell, cognitive impairment, and eventually complete debilitation.  Michael J. Fox is but one well-known celebrity with Parkinson’s disease.  So you can see that dopamine plays an important role in one’s brain and cognitive functions.

If I use the same theory that the general public adheres to, it makes me wonder if Michael J. Fox has ever tried to cure his Parkinson’s disease by being spanked repeatedly.  You doubt it?  So do I.  So if I can’t cure Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s by repeatedly spanking him, why would spankings cure my children of their ADHD, when both are related to the same chemicals?

Then, if spanking my ADHD child won’t work, what possible strategies can I use to modify his behavior?  You can choose from a plethora of various strategies until you find one that will work for your family.  Or you can opt to use bits and pieces from several different strategies.  I can only tell you what my family has used in the past and how those plans worked (or didn’t, as the case may be) for us.  I’ll go into more detail in future posts, but we’ve always favored a token economy (think earning money for desired behaviors) and counting, even before we knew these programs were favored by many therapists for ADHD kids.

Our first experience with a token economy was using a “grab bag” full of cheap $1 toys for our oldest son, to potty train him. Every time he’d use the toilet instead of going in his diaper, he’d get to choose a toy from the bag.  He was a late two-year-old, or early three-year-old, and it worked in a weekend.

Our current token economy utilizes toy money (from a $1 store and an old Monopoly game).  We have two menus posted on our home bulletin board.  One has behaviors that earn the kiddos money, ($1 for holding hands in parking lots, $3 for loading the dishwasher), and the other has a menu of things the kids can use the money for ($1 for a small piece of candy, $15 for sprinkler time).  If the kids want something from the store, like a specific toy, our general rule is that they have to save up one and a half times (in fake dollars) the amount of the price of the toy in real dollars.  So if they want a $10 toy at Wal-Mart or Target, they have to save up $15 fake dollars for it.  And taking their money away for poor behavior is, thus far, a very effective way to prevent the unwanted fits and tantrums.  There are pros and cons to this so I plan to make this my next blog topic.  Stay tuned!

In the meantime, feel free to share, like, follow, or comment!  I have a feeling some folks will be very passionate, either for or against not spanking, and I can’t wait to see!

The Right Stuff

The long, four-year tunnel finally has a faint light coming from the end!  And for the first time since Dude was born, life doesn’t seem so daunting!  Why the reprieve?  Because we finally have his medication cocktail lined out!  And, just as we expected, it’s going to be life changing!

 

How do we know?  How can we tell the meds are working at the right level?  Well, it’s simple.  I don’t dread picking Dude up from school or spending the weekend with him now.  That may sound mean, but it’s true.  Remember that Dude’s hyperactivity, impulsivity, and temper almost got him kicked out of daycare when he was just barely 3 years old.

 

About a month ago, we started medicating him, with 2.5 mg of Adderall.  At that dose, a slight difference was noticeable, but Dude was still so impulsive he ran out in front of a car in a parking lot one afternoon.  Luckily, the driver spotted him and stopped!  We bumped it up to 5 mg, and school reported that he was tired in the morning, but still aggressive.  Reluctantly we bumped it up to 7.5 mg and the poor kid was like a zombie!  He wasn’t even able to enjoy the fun special day they had at school.  He was a mess!!  We only gave him that dose once, because he was obviously WAY over-medicated!  After seeing Dr. Kristina again, we added some guanfacine to the mix, just 1 mg to start.  That was a week ago yesterday.  The change has been dramatic!!!

 

img_1114Every single day last week, Dude got a positive report when I picked him up from preschool.  Mrs. Jill and Ms. Yvonne reported that his behavior was no worse than any other 4 year old’s.  He had a couple of outbursts, but they weren’t severe and he quickly calmed down, with NO VIOLENCE!  Yes, you read that right!  My kid went a whole week without punching anyone at school!  He had a couple tantrums at home, and had to go to his room, but he recovered there much more quickly too!

 

From a less dramatic, but no less important, perspective, Dude can carry on a conversation without getting lost mid-sentence.  He is asking to hold hands in the parking lots now.  He’s even reminding his brothers of proper behavior!!  In fact, we heard a line in a movie that included the phrase “… get stuck in there with all those weirdos and criminals!”  Dude piped up and said to the TV “Do you know that even if they ARE weirdos and criminals, that’s still not nice to say?!”  He’s giving up his iPad without fussing when it’s time for bed.  He’s playing with friends and brothers better.  He’s interested in being more independent in things like getting dressed.

 

At swim lessons today, a younger boy grabbed a toy Dude was playing with and wouldn’t give it back.  I was ready for Dude to start pummeling the little guy, but nope!  He just shrugged his shoulders and walked away!  Dad and I both noticed that and realized just how significant that was!  He got lots of praise for sharing, and letting the other little boy have a turn.  When it was time to leave the pool, instead of throwing a massive tantrum that required me to go in after him, he just screamed at the top of his lungs a couple times, then complied!  Hey, a couple blood curdling screams is progress, compared to what we normally deal with!!!!  Then, when his brother Snix took off running down the hall of the fitness center, Dude told him he wasn’t supposed to run, then was sure to show me how he was walking nicely.

 

I understand a lot of people will think that this is the way kids are supposed to behave, so it’s no big deal, but if you know anything about ADHD, you’ll understand just how significant “normal” behavior is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Medication Vacation

One topic that I’ve given a lot of thought to is whether or not my kids should have a drug holiday over summer vacation. According to Wikipedia, a drug holiday is not a modern version of Woodstock, but rather when “a patient stops taking a medication(s) for a period of time; anywhere from a few days to many months or even years if they feel it is in their best interests”.

If you’re considering whether or not to give your child her ADHD meds during summer, vacation, you’ll have to weigh pros and cons and decide if it’s right for your child. For example, medications can help your child succeed not only in school but also in social settings with peers, such as team sports, music or dance classes, church, and at home.   For our family, Snix and Dude take medication to help ensure their safety (more on that in a minute). Understood.org has a good article on medication vacations.  Don’t forget to talk to her prescriber to see if a medication holiday is appropriate and if so, how to begin it.

In some cases, it’s made sense for one of my boys to stop taking meds over the summer, and in other cases, it hasn’t. In my research, here are some things we consider any time we’re thinking of giving the kids a break from their meds.

  • Obviously, when a child goes off her ADHD meds, her ADHD symptoms reappear. That’s a no-brainer, but it has to be said.

This summer, we could have taken Snix and Dude off their meds; however, their symptoms are so severe that their safety (and my sanity) depends on it. Yesterday for example, they both ran out in front of a car in a parking lot. Luckily the driver was paying attention and was able to stop, but it could have been much different an ending. Safety issues like this are why the two of them take their meds to start with, and those issues don’t end when summer break begins. So a medication holiday is not an option for them.

  • Self-Esteem considerations are important, too.

The understood.org article doesn’t mention the effects on one’s self-esteem that the drug holiday can have on a child. When the child stops taking his ADHD meds, he may likely get into trouble more often, and we all know that getting in trouble a lot can have a negative effect on one’s self-esteem. Regardless of their planned activities over the summer, it’s important to consider that effect, too.

  • What side effects are bothering my child?

Verywellmind.com reminds us to consider the side effects.

Appetite problems and poor weight gain can be big problems for some children taking stimulants. If his medication is working very well for him otherwise, not taking it on weekends can be a good idea so that he does eat better at those times.

On the other hand, some children do have more side effects on Mondays after being off their stimulant for the weekend, as they get ‘used’ to it again, so be on the watch for that.

Between 4th and 5th grade, Buddy was on both a stimulant and a non-stimulant. He was too skinny and not growing taller as he should have been, and the stimulant was suppressing his appetite. After discussing it with his pediatrician, we decided to give him a medication vacation over summer break. He stayed on the non-stimulant but we slowly lowered his stimulant dose until he was no longer taking any. That summer, he grew taller and was able to put on some weight, something he’s struggled with since he was a toddler. For Buddy, it made sense, and paid off.

  • A drug holiday can let you judge how effective the medication is, after having used it for some time.  

Wikipedia also explains that another reason for drug holidays is “to permit a drug to regain effectiveness after a period of continuous use, and to reduce the tolerance effect that may require increased dosages.” The summer we took Buddy off his stimulant, we realized the non-stimulant managed his symptoms just fine. He started the next school year on only non-stimulant and was able to complete his work and participate in class, without his grades suffering. To this day, he takes the stimulants only on rare occasions or if we forget to give him the non-stimulant.

So, as you may have guessed, there is no right or wrong answer when deciding whether or not your child should teak a break from his medication. But think about WHY he’s taking it. Is it only to be able to focus in school? Does ADHD effect his relationships with family and friends? Will a lack of impulse control put him/his safety at risk? Is he experiencing any detrimental side effects of the medication(s)? After you consider these questions, if you decide to pursue a drug holiday, be sure to talk with your child’s prescriber. There may be specific, important, requirements to wean off the drug slowly. Whatever you decide, best of luck for you and your child!

 

Life with 3 ADHD Sons

IMG_1499A natural byproduct of having three sons who all have ADHD is injuries, a lot of them.  most of them are relatively minor.  Lots of scraped knees or bumped heads, among other things.  We have a bunch of trees in our back yard that have been overtaken by grapevines.  Those vines scream to young boys to swing on them, and have been known to cause a splinter or two.  But, this weekend, the boys have been particularly aggressive with each other.

First, Snix was trying to get Buddy’s attention and Buddy was ignoring him.  So, Snix hauled off and slapped him in the back.  It was hard enough to leave a handprint.  I wasn’t really sure how to discipline such violence, so he has banished to his room, all electronics were taken away, and he had to apologize.  I didn’t think that was really a serious enough punishment, so I told him that when I thought of a punishment bad enough, I would tell him what it is.   That’s exactly what the 1, 2, 3 Magic strategy says NOT to do, but I was at a loss.

Then karma came to my rescue.  Snix and Dude were avoiding bedtime with some good-natured, if not rough, horseplay, and… Dude kicked Snix in the mouth and knocked out his two front baby teeth.  Dude has apologized several times, and even told his brother he was still beautiful.  And after making sure Snix was physically ok, and after cleaning up the blood, I made sure Snix knew the definition of “karma” and understood how it just played a big part in his life.  🙂

 

My friend Emily told me I should add a page here to memorialize all the injuries we have here.  Well, these were the first two of the summer, just 3 days in.  We laugh that our house needs an industrial sign that says “Safety is our #1 priority!  It’s been ___ days since an injury.”  But we’re pretty sure we could just paint a permanent “0” on there and wouldn’t be lying!

 

Learning to read: No meds!

 

Last full day of Kindergarten and Snix wanted to read. We dragged out the BOB Books and here he is reading one of them. He was able to finish the most difficult book in that set! He’s soooo excited and proud of himself!!

Then Buddy sat down and listened too! For other ADHD parents you’ll understand why this is a monumental feat. This was right before bedtime, long after their last dose of short-acting meds had worn off. Two cooperative kiddos focusing on something together without fighting!

There is hope!

 

 

Thrifty Ways to Banish Summer Boredom

If you have school-age kids, you know keeping them entertained over a long hot summer is difficult, on a good day.  But when you have three boys, ages 11, 6 and 4, all of whom have ADHD, summer can be downright AWFUL!  Camps can be expensive; sports take a lot of time and who wants their kids to sit in front of a TV or computer all day long?  My husband and I want to provide fun, budget-friendly activities for them, but how?  Below is a list of ideas and events we take advantage of, even if they only occur on weekends, because to a kid on summer break, every day is a Saturday.

  1. Many local libraries and bookstores offer free story times for kids.
  2. Home Improvement centers often provide free build days with kits for small items kids can build.
  3. Use your local $1 Store to stock up on things your kids like, such as books, balls, inexpensive toys, craft supplies, gardening items, etc.   They have all kinds of indoor and outdoor games and toys for kids, including water toys and games.
  4. Think of your local thrift store as your own lending library for games, sports gear, puzzles, toys, craft supplies, and books. Buy them inexpensively and when your child tires of them, simply re-donate them and buy something different.  We have stores with kids’ books for 25 cents each.  Books for older kids may be $2-$3, but still don’t break the bank.  (As a side note, we use this tip all year long, and for other things like clothing too!)
  5. Create a “laser” obstacle course in your home with crepe paper or painter’s tape. Tape the streamers to the doors and walls at various angles and levels and let the kids try to get through without breaking the streamers or pulling them off the walls.  For more information, visit: http://whatmomslove.com/kidsObstacle-Maze-PINTEREST
  6. If you’re a member of a local rec center, find out what summer activities they have to offer. Ours includes rock climbing, basketball, kids play time, and swimming, (all included in our monthly fee), in addition to various fun camps (most of which do incur a fee).
  7. Celebrate obscure but fun holidays with your kids. Timeanddate.com and many other websites keep a list odd holidays that you can enjoy!  Did you know May 26th is Paper Airplane Day?  Have your own paper airplane acrobatics show.  Make several paper airplanes in different styles and see which ones fly farthest or straightest.  June 14th is National Monkey Around Day.  Visit the park and play on the monkey bars.  June 29th is International Mud Day.  Make mud pies and get messy.  July 10th is Teddy Bear’s Picnic Day.  Subscribing to the site is free and you’ll be able to download the monthly calendars.  Ask the kids what they’d like to celebrate, and have them do the planning.

What are some other ideas you have for keeping your ADHD kids entertained over summer break?  Feel free to comment.  And don’t forget to follow/share us if you ever struggle with hyperactive kids!